LMFAO

A message I received this afternoon:

"Well first of all Ms. Redhead, I love that you love the Packers!! Damn Refs!!!! I'm from Wisconsin, just recently moved to Chandler. Keep an open mind if/when you read About me. You'll most likely laugh, then say to yourself... "WTF did I just read?" Either way, I hope you're enjoying your Sunday. Let's talk later about stuff and things"

So naturally, I had to at least go to his profile and check it out since he made me laugh.  Sadly, he's only 5'9", but his blond hair and blue eyes were an easy distraction from that.  So was his profession that was listed simply as "hitman."  Damn, one of those could come in handy!  

 Normally I wouldn't post an entire profile, but this guy has mad skills when it comes to humor! If he doesn't make you laugh, you need help!

About Me

I now work with special interest groups, mostly midgets. I've found them to be light hearted and full of spirit. That, and they have excellent mechanical skills. On the flipside, I enjoy underwater sports, such as snorkeling, pastry decorating, and clogging. If I'm not wearing a pair of rollerskates, I might as well be naked. Oh, and I like to make cookies.

I love writing non-fiction stories. My favorite pair of shorts are Denim. I dabble with the Jazz Flute. I read short stories to the elderly. I have worn both a wig and suspenders at the same time. I also write fiction stories.

I'm originally from Wisconsin. My father is married to my mother. My eyes have astigmatism. My last name will get YOU into trouble if you ever Google Image it at work.

*** P.S. IF YOU ARE JUST LOOKING FOR A ONE NIGHT STAND, Well ... You know what ... I'll keep an open mind, but you better respect me at the end of the night!!

First Date

Formal dinners are slightly overrated! So, I would throw in a small treasure hunt, eventually leading towards a secluded, moonlit terrace. We would start off with a delicate platter of assorted cheeses and crackers. We will share funny stories about how different we both are, but realize that we are similar in many ways. Neither you, nor I will be able to believe this night is even happening!! We will laugh, and I will feed you crackers in the moonlight, only to watch them crumble onto your silk-woven dress. Butterflies will depart, and a blossoming relationship will begin. See you soon ... 

Now all this guy needs in a nickname....for some reason I just want to call him Hitman....

What Was I Thinking??

How I chose my first date is still a mystery to me. There was nothing scientific about it, it just sort of happened.  One minute we were talking, the next, we were making plans to meet.

Now, if you are a friend of mine, you might find the rest of this TMI (even though I don't plan to give THAT much detail here), so if you are one of those people, just stop now so we don't have any awkward moments the next time we see each other. Oh who am I kidding, if you are one of MY friends, you'll keep reading just so you can inconveniently bring this up and remind me of it.

My first encounter was with a guy named Nick.  Decent looking guy that seemed harmless.  He was here visiting his sister for a few weeks and was just looking for someone to hang out with while on vacation.  I figured that would be easy enough and since he didn't live here, he'd be long gone in a few days.  In talking about where to meet, he asked if there was any place to get ice cream around where I lived.  Since we were meeting late, I didn't think anything of it and thought it was pretty sweet.  When he showed up at my door to pick me up, he looked just like his photo and was very polite.  We went for ice cream and were able to strike up some good conversation.  He had been on POF for a while an wasn't looking for anything serious.  Granted, he lived out of state, but that was his MO.  We hit all the normal topics, work, family, and friends and it was going pretty well.  After that, we headed back to my house and continued to get to know each other.  Now, not that I had planned for anything to happen with this guy, you can't help but have that thought in the back of your mind.  He was a nice guy that didn't seem crazy, so when he kissed me, I was completely okay with it.....at first....until I stated to feel like I was making out with a 13 year old.  Poor guy just really only knew one type of kiss and it got old REALLY fast!  But then things started to get interesting....nothing like making out with a guy and have him stop you to tell you that he is a virgin.

HOW THE HELL DID I GET THE 31 YEAR OLD VIRGIN ON MY FIRST GO 'ROUND?

It honestly stopped me dead in my tracks - I had no idea what to say.  I haven't encountered a virgin since I was 18 years old!  Not that I am judging the guy - more power to him - I just was shocked.  So at that point, since I knew it wasn't going any farther (which yes, I know was probably for the best anyway), all I could think about was getting this terrible kisser out of my house.  Thankfully he wasn't planning to overstay his welcome and it ended without me having to make up some excuse to get him to leave. Sweet guy, but just not for me.

Of course, after he left, I pulled his profile up.  And there, staring me dead in the face, was the one red flag on his profile that I overlooked.  When asked if he was a drinker, it said NO.   Damn...I should have known!

So the first encounter went without anyone being unscathed and I had nothing to regret this morning.  I'm sure there are worse situations to run into on any date, but I know from here on out, I am making sure that question is marked YES.

I guess that means it's back to chatting......

      

Inbox FULL

I have been chatting online for a few days now and it's a lot more fun than I thought it would be.  But more than anything, I can't believe how much WORK it is!  Maybe I just need to start being a bitch and deleting people for little things, but looking at profiles and photos takes time and energy.  As my friend told me once, she'd tell herself she'd spend an hour online, and the next thing she knew, it was hours later.  To make it worse, I have the app on my phone, so I can get lost in the land of lust at anytime, its just a arms reach away.

I have come to one very important conclusion about these profiles - guys SUCK at posting photos! Can I find just one guy that has a half way decent photo? I'm sorry, but if I see one of you that you've taken in the bathroom and I can the sink and all your crap on the counter, you are automatically OUT!! And what is with pictures posted with other girls? Isn't the point of the site to find a new one? I can usually tell if you are standing with you mom (bonus points for that), but it'd be smart to have a caption that tells me that you're with your sister, cousin or lesbian best friend.  The fun part so far, really is coming up with nicknames for these guys - I'll share some as I go along cause some of them, are just damn funny!

For being a rookie, I am pretty happy with my profile. I had thought about changing it, but since I am getting some bites, excuse the pun, maybe I will just leave it alone for now.

Being the nice person that I am (shut up to my friends reading this), I do at least read every message I get and I give them the respect of checking out their profile, even if they may not be someone I would message.  I don't respond to all, but I have started up conversations with those that share my interests, or in some cases, are just DAMN HOT! Deleting people without conversing sounds somewhat mean, but at the end of the day, I just don't have time to tell all of them that they aren't what I am looking for....isn't that what my profile is for??? (it's not read by everyone before they message you - shocking, I know)

So with all this chatting, I guess maybe I should go out and start meeting some.....

It All Started......

I never in a million years thought I would find myself on a dating website.  But after a failed marriage of 6 years and two not so great relationships later, I figured, what the hell!  

Thankfully, I have an amazing friend that had already started this quest, and all I had to do was follow suit.  So late one Monday night, while feeling lonely and sorry for myself, I logged on to Plenty of Fish and created my profile. I can honestly say that I was NOT prepared for what was about to happen next.....

A PENIS PICTURE!!  Now, I'm not saying it was a bad looking one, but it definitely caught me by surprise! Thankfully it was the only one out of the first 20 or so chat requests I got that night. Nothing like seeing a strangers penis right before you turn out the lights and go to bed.

Being new to the online dating world, I really had no clue what was going to happen.  From my friend, I knew I'd get requests, some legit and others like the one I got from Penis Man, but I had no idea I would get this many. Now by no means do I say that in a conceited way.  I feel I am an attractive person, but was completely overwhelmed by the number of responses I got within a short amount of time. At one point, I had to turn off the notification on my phone, since all it did was buzz and I was afraid  I would annoy anyone within a five foot radius of myself.

In reading the profiles and the pick-up lines, I decided that some of it was just too good not to talk about. And rather than tell the same story over and over to my friends, I thought it would be much easier (and more fun) to just broadcast it over the Internet.

So here goes......